There was so much that took place. Good, bad, horrible. Of my own doing and done to me. All along the way, I was aware of Christ's presence, watching me, watching over me. I was always feeling the nudge, and the occasional shove. I won't delve in to so much evil, mine or others, that is not the story to be told. The story is the deeper awakening.
There were so many unanswered questions from my young years at church, and I drifted in the search for those answers, and the search for significance. Significance in the world, and in my life. What purpose was there to all this? In all the struggle and blindness, I would hear and feel Christ, but not pay heed. This last situation, I felt him by me the whole time, asking me to come out, sad at my choosing not to.
I knew I was once again in the wrong place and with the wrong person. No one who really cares about someone else, who loves as they profess they do, does not do or say they things he did. One does not hit or rage at the ones they love. I cannot fix that, only Christ can repair that thinking and behavior. It was the hitting that made me accept the truth I had been ignoring.
It makes no sense that it's not so easy to walk away from that, but I managed to ease away slowly, moving into a position of strength through the study of the Word, and end it. Twice I was hit out of nowhere and for what seemed no reason, until I got away and could think, could look upon without fear. And what I saw was rage, and then that rage came at me.
The axiom is then true - that what ever level of Christ was in me was deeply disturbing his demons. A friend counseled me that I was not out of fellowship ( 1 John 1:9 ), but it felt like cheating, a misuse of God's grace and mercy. It was the stepping away, the leaving that allowed me to tell him to go away, then not respond to his attempts to communicate.
I was there for five years, watching his demons at work. Destroying his family relationships, emotionally and mentally hurting me, his friends and even people he doesn't know - whomever got in his path at the wrong moment. I watched his chaos, confusion and fear. I talked to him about Christ, but I could do no more than that and could take no more of watching and being around his demons. And that is when his demons really came after me, when I no longer tolerated their presence, they physically attacked me.
I ran to Jesus' arms to a spiritual awakening He had been calling me to for decades, to a radical way of thinking and a free fall into grace and love, a desire to walk the path Christ has planned for me, to be who he wants me to be.